Determinism is appealing because it kind of gets me off the hook for all the shit I've done, but I can't get behind it; not really. I frequently call myself a hedonist, which feels accurate sometimes, but it conflicts severely with my masochism. ...But do I act masochistically because it ultimately brings me pleasure? Do they really necessarily conflict? I suppose if the masochism is fed by an underlying depression maybe that would compromise the integrity of the philosphy. Can one be a depressed hedonist? If, despite one's depression, one seeks pleasure and considers it the ultimate good, would one still be considered a hedonist?
And then, my true love - objectivism. I'm pulled in different directions. Part of me wants to scream at anyone I can the tenets of objectivism and wisdom of Ayn Rand [who was totally batshit, but whom I still love] and how our global society would benefit unspeakably if we got our shit together and took care of ourselves and made our individual growth a singular priority. On the other hand, I'm aware that as a sole means of direction, it's completely impractical. As much as I love the idea of Roark and Dominique as beacons of inspiration in creating myself and ignoring anyone else's perception of my existence, I'm not strong enough to be quite that alone. Can you imagine living your life as a true objectivist? Surely there are some who attempt this, but it would be so isolating I don't know that it would be worth it.
Can you be a hedonistic objectivist? I feel like Howard Roark would laugh bitterly at that.
I'm moving my shit out of my apartment tomorrow. I have one box packed. Mostly I've been 'organizing' [read: moving things from one end of the room to another, considering what should be packed together, and writing lists. Writing lists makes me feel productive whatever I'm doing] and trying to justify my lack of progress with 'it'll all be so easy to pack once it's organized'. This should surprise absolutely no one.
I don't know what I want. Sometimes, saying that sounds like an admission of defeat. Right now it feels like I have a thousand doors waiting to be opened.