the speed of dark (cynical_si) wrote,
the speed of dark
cynical_si

Wherein Our Heroine Admits Her Character Flaws

I'm enamoured of two boys. Which never happens. Except it has.

Fantastically [and by fantastically I mean fucking tragically], one has a girlfriend and the other won't invest in me because he lives in Kalamazoo and I now live in Ann Arbor.

One of them is interesting and comfortable and relatable and intelligent and it's horribly attractive. And because I feel like offering full disclosure, this boywithagirlfriend is interested in me sexually [and unfortunately that appears to be the extent of it, offuckingcourse] and recently cheated on his ladyfriend with me. Obviously I'm a shit and so is he, and his poor, ignorant girlfriend is a victim of both our broken moral compasses. The problem is that I truly care about him and would commit myself to him if he wasn't in a relationship. Obviously I'm a moron in addition to a shit, because who else would engage in a coupling with someone whom they know for a fact is willing to cheat on their partner if they're attracted to someone else? Me, evidently. Fuck.

The other boy is a painfully nice person. He's genuine and smart and hilarious and sardonic and socially observant. He has a good heart and converses expertly and knows who he is. And I love that. And he regularly tells me how much he likes me and how pretty I am - and then makes it clear that we're too far apart to be involved romantically because he's stressed/busy/poor/etc, etc, etc.

I'm involved in a three-way mind fuck. It's fabulous.

And I'm totally complicit; don't get me wrong. I'm completely aware of my ability to extricate myself from the situation by way of cutting off contact with both of them. But I LIKE them. I WANT to talk to them. I WANT to see them. And it's hard enough being interested in two people; it's fucking terrible when neither of them want to be with you.

Fucking sigh.
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